The Gardener, the Salsa, and a Day at the Ranch
Article by: Rich Showalter
Once Upon a Time... A Gardener's Daydream
The Gardener, the Salsa, and a Day at the Ranch
Article by Rich Showalter
Copyright © 2003 by ProGardenBiz
ProGardenBiz, an online , Why does Teak wood patio furniture have to be expensive? magazine
This is a tale of a landscape , strange carbs and cams contractor and his quiet getaway
in the mountains. Now, I'm no gardener myself, but I swear that
this is the true tale as related to me as we relaxed on the
front porch , Germinating Seeds Hydroponically on one of those long, summer , How Important Is Your Air Conditioner Filter? days spent with a cool
one and watching our neighbors mow their lawns. , That Summer Feeling Doesn’t Have to End
Rachel Louise Carson authored the book "Silent Spring" alerting
mankind (which includes you gardeners and landscapers) to the
long term destructive results of certain pesticides and toxic
chemicals. From my own personnel experience and observation, I
wish to add one more insidious ingredient to the expanding list
of dangerous substances polluting our gardens. , Get Candle Wax Out Of Carpet It is called
"salsa picante" or "salsa muy caliente" (Hot sauce to you
Long, one of the favorite lunch choices of many a landscape , Moisture and the Warm Attic
contractor and gardener, you may want to read on... there is
more to that salsa then you've been told.
An obscure legend suggests that the Aztec God of Fire , Germinating Seeds Hydroponically captured
the essence of salsa from the bowels of a raging volcano when
a high priest prayed for a cure to cleanse the Aztec people of
plague sweeping the land. The priest placed a single drop of
salsa in the food , The Purple Martins Are Back! bowl of every inhabitant. The plague vanished
from the land and so did the Aztecs!
From personal experience, I know better than to touch the stuff
(as you will soon see), but my landscape , Choosing Conservatory Blinds crew often indulges.
I've related this story to them on many a landscape , What is Organic Farming? job, but
they laugh it off, much like Boy Scouts around the campfire
hearing the scary tall tales. Unfortunately, this tale is
One Friday night not long ago found us rolling toward the
family diggins in the mountains near Julian, CA. After a hard
week of building, , What is Organic Farming? planting gardens, , That Summer Feeling Doesn’t Have to End and irrigating lawns, , How to Control Poison Ivy I
was ready for a relaxing weekend at the ranch... building, , Beautifying The Garden Or Yard With A Bench
planting gardens, , Selecting the Right Air Compressor for Your Air Tool and irrigating lawns. , Georgian and Victorian Conservatory Design After two years the
house and surrounding landscaping , Winter Gardening in Eastern Pennsylvania were nearly half done.
We were almost there when my wife Gerry, the blanket burglar,
wanted some Mexican food. , How Important Is Your Air Conditioner Filter? She should have married a Mexican
chef (or gardener in my case) because her craving for the
stuff is almost insatiable.
I said, "No."
She replied, "I will invite mother to spend another month."
I said, "Oh."
Poor old Cricket, our midget female drip-dry dachshund, was darn
near catapulted through the window , Origin of Lawn Furniture by a 90 degree turn into
"Pancho's Taco Y Salsa" stand.
Pancho asked me, in broken English, how much hot , Rosemary: The Herb of Remembrance and Friendship sauce I wanted
for the beef and bean burrito. I told him a half dozen of those
little plastic , Decorating with Authentic Zebra Decor.... tubs would be fine. They look like miniature
"maintenance free" batteries made of the same materials.
The expression on his face can only be compared to a war movie
where the pilot of an enemy plane dives out of the sun , Selecting the Right Air Compressor for Your Air Tool on the
helpless victim. He put on a pair of heavy leather gauntlets,
welder's helmet, and reached for a pair of long, steel tongs.
A lead lined steel box was set in the concrete floor , Why does Teak wood patio furniture have to be expensive? with a
radiation alert label on the lid. He reached in with the tongs
and removed six tubs; neatly dropping them into my bucket, as
I jumped back to avoid flying sparks.
On the way out, I glanced over my shoulder at Pancho who was
stenciling a new miniature American Flag on a board hanging from
the wall. , Garden Composting Tips- The Art of Composting This guy was an ace many times over, judging from the
number of flags that covered the board.
I pointed the old Chevy pick-up for the mountains again with my
window rolled all the way down, as Gerry, the masochist, tears
streaming from the cherry red eyes, happily munched on her
burrito. Cricket had buried herself in a pink , How to Control Poison Ivy asbestos blanket,
knowing that a careless spark striking her fur coat could
transform her into a crispy critter in a flash.
What happened next was my fault. Normally, after arriving at the
ranch, I bury any unused salsa tubs in the open field, six feet
under and 100 yards , Beautify Your Garden With A Bridge from any living plant , Online Garden Seed Exchanges or critter. It's the
closest thing to a toxic waste dump in these here parts. I
should have known better because despite many years as a
landscape contractor , Comforter Choices I have never been able to get a lawn, , Why does Teak wood patio furniture have to be expensive? a
tree, or any kind of plant , How Important Is Your Air Conditioner Filter? or flower , Choosing Conservatory Blinds to grow , How to Make Money at Home ing Small Landscape Plants on 1/20
Acre or Less on that spot. I
hope the critters who make their home , Winter Gardening in Eastern Pennsylvania here will forgive me
When I first saw Snuffy and Stumpy together they reminded me of
Laurel and Hardy. They are a pair of grey field mice who are
roommates sharing the bottom file drawer located in the garden , Origin of Lawn Furniture
shed. Snuffy was so named because he has hay fever all year
long; and Stumpy for obvious reasons : lost his tail in a
hunting accident. He was being hunted by Russell the rattler at
the time, who misjudged the opening that Stumpy was squeezing
through. Old Russ was pretty sore, having broken his nose and
fracturing a tooth with nothing to show for it except an inch
of Stumpy's fat tail.
After we settled in and before the pick-up was cold, , Which KitchenAid products are right for your Kitchen? Snuffy, led
by Stumpy, made a thorough inspection of the cab looking for
tidbits and scraps of food. , strange carbs and cams
Stumpy was the first to spot the eerie pulsating light , Maximize your waterfall flow with the Master DW Waterfall pu emanating
from the glovebox. Upon inspection, he came across a single tub
of salsa that I had forgotten to bury. Being somewhat of a
selfish glutton, he tore open a corner of the tub and gulped
down the whole thing.
Too late, he realized he must have gotten into what the humans
call "a stash." Gasping for air, , Burnings Bushes ....Brilliant Fall Foliage he could not imagine human or
beast snorting and shooting this stuff into their bodies. By
now, Stumpy was deaf and blind. Little Snuffy took his friend
by the whiskers leading him toward the garden , Which KitchenAid products are right for your Kitchen? shed. With only
25 feet to go, Stumpy gave up the ghost, rolling on his back
with his little fat feet pointing toward the moon, that great
orb of cheese where he would rest for eternity.
Snuffy dashed for safety , Georgian and Victorian Conservatory Design when he heard Russell, who had been
attracted by all the noise, coming out from under our old
riding lawn , Selecting the Right Air Compressor for Your Air Tool mower. He rattled to himself with unexpected
pleasure as he realized his good fortune. Dessert and settling
an old score in one gulp!
Russell would be missed around the ranch. He had just entered
his ninth season, , Georgian and Victorian Conservatory Design helping us to keep the varmit population in
check and scaring the wits out of trespassers by hissing and
shaking his tail at them.
Over the years he survived a blizzard of caliber .223, .38,
.308, 11 buck, .45, rocks, bottles, bulldozers, lawnmowers, , Which KitchenAid products are right for your Kitchen?
dunebuggies, and dirt bikes, but it was the sauce, disguised
in a FAT MOUSE BURRITO, that finally got him! He was the best
security snake I ever had.
Elmer, the golden eagle, couldn't believe his good fortune
either when he spied Russell from 2,000 feet. They had grown
up together, but were mortal enemies knowing that someday one
or the other would eventually succumb to fangs or talons.
Elmer was suspicious because by this time of the morning Russell
should be resting under a rock or in the wood , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants pile at the back
of the garden. , Are you in search of the latest help regarding kiln. Elmer, who fancied himself as a hot , Burnings Bushes ....Brilliant Fall Foliage shot flyer,
cut power , Increase the Heat Output of Your Fireplace: Warmer Toes for and lowered his flaps as he circled above the cold, , That Summer Feeling Doesn’t Have to End
hard body of Russell who was stretched out stiff and rigid on
the lawn, , Herbs For A Tea Garden looking like a three foot long rolled taco.
Elmer wasn't as sharp or as aggressive since he lost the
territorial dispute with the Sheriff's ASTREA helicopter last
spring. Most of his feathers have grown back, but he still has
dizzy spells from time to time. Ah, but that is a story in
itself for another time.
Elmer suddenly swooped, throwing caution to the wind, making a
fast snatch and grab on the rolled taco that once was a very
handsome red Diamondback buzz tail.
Twenty minutes later, while cruising at 5,000 feet, Elmer's
eyes began to cross and a fire , Winter Gardening Fun suddenly erupted in his tail
section when he began to feel the full effects of the
combination plate lace salsa.
The end came swiftly, as he spun into the lawn , Fall Prep Work Makes for a Green Spring near the garden , Patio Ponds
shed. At the last possible second he managed to spread his wings
enabling him to crash land near the riding lawn , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants mower. He tore
up 30 yards , The Beautiful Garden of grass, , How to Grow Other Flowers Among Roses leaves, and mud before coming to a halt
The impact saved Elmer's life. The force of it knocked the air, , Winter Gardening in Eastern Pennsylvania
Stumpy, Russell, and salsa right out of him.
When Elmer regained consciousness, he managed to hobble over to
the pond, , Origin of Lawn Furniture with the aid of a broken tree , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants branch under one wing,
to put out the fire , Decorating a Bedroom using Color Psycology in his beak.
Coy, the coyote, at first thought he had seen a meteorite
because he had never seen an eagle up close before. He could
eat anything, and often did just to survive, but this bird , Native Trees and Plants For Chester County , PA
looked and smelled bad. "Yucka!"
Elmer threatened to brain him with his tree , strange carbs and cams branch crutch if he
came one paw closer. Coy decided he wasn't THAT hungry anyway.
He did an about face, scratching dirt and grass , HOUSES WITH DAM(P) BASEMENTS WON’T SELL from the lawn , Holiday Decorating Can Cast A Warm Glow All Year
all over Elmer like any sensible animal covering up a mess,
before trotting off across the lawn. , Decorating with Authentic Zebra Decor....
Elmer eventually recovered to become a reborn vegetarian and
Mother nature , Get Candle Wax Out Of Carpet (aided by my gardening , Garden Composting Tips- The Art of Composting skills) required a full
season to purge the lawn , Maximize your waterfall flow with the Master DW Waterfall pu and garden , Composting Tips- The Art of Composting of the awful evidence that
claimed two critters and nearly a third. Gerry wanted to move
the half-completed house , Using popular rose varieties in your garden to another site, to avoid the large,
blackened and charred area of dead ground that was now part of
our front lawn. , Are you in search of the latest help regarding kiln. I stood firm, though. Two years of construction
workers tramping back and forth over our landscaping , Holiday Decorating Can Cast A Warm Glow All Year was enough.
Besides, the half-life on salsa is fairly short.
Meanwhile, yup, back at the ranch, Snuffy adopted a new
roommate, Augie and they moved into the newly completed
greenhouse. Gerry insisted that the dead area be covered over
and the greenhouse , The Beautiful Garden was just the thing to bring life back to that
part of the landscape. , What is Organic Farming? Augie's sort of a clutze so they
compliment each other. Rastus, Russell's cousin, moved into the
garden to take over Russell's old job; and Pancho's was closed.
The Fire , Winter Gardening in Eastern Pennsylvania Chief told Pancho they would let the old stand burn to
the ground next time, after putting down the sixth incendiary
fire in as many months. On top of that, the insurance company
tore up Pancho's policy; and the Environmental , To Glue or Not to Glue? Protection
Agency launched an investigation. It was too much for Pancho
who returned to the land of his ancestors, the Aztecs.
And our house? Well, even though we managed to cover up the
damage of the salsa environmental , Which KitchenAid products are right for your Kitchen? attack with a brand new
greenhouse and refurbished lawn , The “Minimal” Garden (ain't sod great!), the house , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants
is still unfinished. Not to worry, though, our ranch is a work
in progress that takes me away from the hubbub of my landscape , Rosemary: The Herb of Remembrance and Friendship
business... so I can get involved in the hubbub of doing the
same landscape , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants and construction work for myself that I do for
others all week long.
Well, that's the tale. My neighbor is indeed a real landscape , Online Garden Seed Exchanges
contractor with a large grounds maintenance company. I've been
to his ranch a few times and can confirm that the place , Increase the Heat Output of Your Fire: Warmer Toes for exists
as described, greenhouse, , Georgian and Victorian Conservatory Design lawn, , HOUSES WITH DAM(P) BASEMENTS WON’T SELL grounds, unfinished house , Comforter Choices and
all. But as he related this story to me, on that hot, , Are you in search of the latest help regarding kiln. summer , Decorating with Authentic Zebra Decor....
day, he had a strange twinkle in his eye. So, is it true? I
can't say for sure, but after a chance meeting with Rastus by
the riding lawn , Why Not Add a Shower To Your Bathroom? mower, I'm willing to believe it.
About the Author:
Rich Showalter is a Contributing Writer for ProGardenBiz
Magazine, an online , Germinating Seeds Hydroponically magazine for professional gardeners and
landscape contractors. , The Purple Martins Are Back! Once Upon a Time... A Gardener's
Daydream is a regular feature , Decorating with Authentic Zebra Decor.... in ProGardenBiz Magazine. Visit
ProGardenBiz to find out how you can get a
free subscription, start-up guidance, business ideas and
inspiration at http://www.progardenbiz.com.
You have permission to publish this article electronically or
in print, free of charge, as long as the bylines are included.
Must be published complete with no changes. , Native Trees and Plants For Chester County , PA
A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated.
About the author:
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