The Gardener, the Salsa, and a Day at the Ranch
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Article by: Rich Showalter Once Upon a Time... A Gardener's Daydream The Gardener, the Salsa, and a Day at the Ranch Article by Rich Showalter Copyright © 2003 by ProGardenBiz ProGardenBiz, an online , Why does Teak wood patio furniture have to be expensive? magazine http://www.progardenbiz.com This is a tale of a landscape , strange carbs and cams contractor and his quiet getaway in the mountains. Now, I'm no gardener myself, but I swear that this is the true tale as related to me as we relaxed on the front porch , Germinating Seeds Hydroponically on one of those long, summer , How Important Is Your Air Conditioner Filter? days spent with a cool one and watching our neighbors mow their lawns. , That Summer Feeling Doesn’t Have to End Rachel Louise Carson authored the book "Silent Spring" alerting mankind (which includes you gardeners and landscapers) to the long term destructive results of certain pesticides and toxic chemicals. From my own personnel experience and observation, I wish to add one more insidious ingredient to the expanding list of dangerous substances polluting our gardens. , Get Candle Wax Out Of Carpet It is called "salsa picante" or "salsa muy caliente" (Hot sauce to you gringos). Long, one of the favorite lunch choices of many a landscape , Moisture and the Warm Attic contractor and gardener, you may want to read on... there is more to that salsa then you've been told. An obscure legend suggests that the Aztec God of Fire , Germinating Seeds Hydroponically captured the essence of salsa from the bowels of a raging volcano when a high priest prayed for a cure to cleanse the Aztec people of plague sweeping the land. The priest placed a single drop of salsa in the food , The Purple Martins Are Back! bowl of every inhabitant. The plague vanished from the land and so did the Aztecs! From personal experience, I know better than to touch the stuff (as you will soon see), but my landscape , Choosing Conservatory Blinds crew often indulges. I've related this story to them on many a landscape , What is Organic Farming? job, but they laugh it off, much like Boy Scouts around the campfire hearing the scary tall tales. Unfortunately, this tale is true... One Friday night not long ago found us rolling toward the family diggins in the mountains near Julian, CA. After a hard week of building, , What is Organic Farming? planting gardens, , That Summer Feeling Doesn’t Have to End and irrigating lawns, , How to Control Poison Ivy I was ready for a relaxing weekend at the ranch... building, , Beautifying The Garden Or Yard With A Bench planting gardens, , Selecting the Right Air Compressor for Your Air Tool and irrigating lawns. , Georgian and Victorian Conservatory Design After two years the house and surrounding landscaping , Winter Gardening in Eastern Pennsylvania were nearly half done. We were almost there when my wife Gerry, the blanket burglar, wanted some Mexican food. , How Important Is Your Air Conditioner Filter? She should have married a Mexican chef (or gardener in my case) because her craving for the stuff is almost insatiable. I said, "No." She replied, "I will invite mother to spend another month." I said, "Oh." "Screeeech." Poor old Cricket, our midget female drip-dry dachshund, was darn near catapulted through the window , Origin of Lawn Furniture by a 90 degree turn into "Pancho's Taco Y Salsa" stand. Pancho asked me, in broken English, how much hot , Rosemary: The Herb of Remembrance and Friendship sauce I wanted for the beef and bean burrito. I told him a half dozen of those little plastic , Decorating with Authentic Zebra Decor.... tubs would be fine. They look like miniature "maintenance free" batteries made of the same materials. The expression on his face can only be compared to a war movie where the pilot of an enemy plane dives out of the sun , Selecting the Right Air Compressor for Your Air Tool on the helpless victim. He put on a pair of heavy leather gauntlets, welder's helmet, and reached for a pair of long, steel tongs. A lead lined steel box was set in the concrete floor , Why does Teak wood patio furniture have to be expensive? with a radiation alert label on the lid. He reached in with the tongs and removed six tubs; neatly dropping them into my bucket, as I jumped back to avoid flying sparks. On the way out, I glanced over my shoulder at Pancho who was stenciling a new miniature American Flag on a board hanging from the wall. , Garden Composting Tips- The Art of Composting This guy was an ace many times over, judging from the number of flags that covered the board. I pointed the old Chevy pick-up for the mountains again with my window rolled all the way down, as Gerry, the masochist, tears streaming from the cherry red eyes, happily munched on her burrito. Cricket had buried herself in a pink , How to Control Poison Ivy asbestos blanket, knowing that a careless spark striking her fur coat could transform her into a crispy critter in a flash. What happened next was my fault. Normally, after arriving at the ranch, I bury any unused salsa tubs in the open field, six feet under and 100 yards , Beautify Your Garden With A Bridge from any living plant , Online Garden Seed Exchanges or critter. It's the closest thing to a toxic waste dump in these here parts. I should have known better because despite many years as a landscape contractor , Comforter Choices I have never been able to get a lawn, , Why does Teak wood patio furniture have to be expensive? a tree, or any kind of plant , How Important Is Your Air Conditioner Filter? or flower , Choosing Conservatory Blinds to grow , How to Make Money at Home ing Small Landscape Plants on 1/20 Acre or Less on that spot. I hope the critters who make their home , Winter Gardening in Eastern Pennsylvania here will forgive me someday. When I first saw Snuffy and Stumpy together they reminded me of Laurel and Hardy. They are a pair of grey field mice who are roommates sharing the bottom file drawer located in the garden , Origin of Lawn Furniture shed. Snuffy was so named because he has hay fever all year long; and Stumpy for obvious reasons : lost his tail in a hunting accident. He was being hunted by Russell the rattler at the time, who misjudged the opening that Stumpy was squeezing through. Old Russ was pretty sore, having broken his nose and fracturing a tooth with nothing to show for it except an inch of Stumpy's fat tail. After we settled in and before the pick-up was cold, , Which KitchenAid products are right for your Kitchen? Snuffy, led by Stumpy, made a thorough inspection of the cab looking for tidbits and scraps of food. , strange carbs and cams Stumpy was the first to spot the eerie pulsating light , Maximize your waterfall flow with the Master DW Waterfall pu emanating from the glovebox. Upon inspection, he came across a single tub of salsa that I had forgotten to bury. Being somewhat of a selfish glutton, he tore open a corner of the tub and gulped down the whole thing. Too late, he realized he must have gotten into what the humans call "a stash." Gasping for air, , Burnings Bushes ....Brilliant Fall Foliage he could not imagine human or beast snorting and shooting this stuff into their bodies. By now, Stumpy was deaf and blind. Little Snuffy took his friend by the whiskers leading him toward the garden , Which KitchenAid products are right for your Kitchen? shed. With only 25 feet to go, Stumpy gave up the ghost, rolling on his back with his little fat feet pointing toward the moon, that great orb of cheese where he would rest for eternity. Snuffy dashed for safety , Georgian and Victorian Conservatory Design when he heard Russell, who had been attracted by all the noise, coming out from under our old riding lawn , Selecting the Right Air Compressor for Your Air Tool mower. He rattled to himself with unexpected pleasure as he realized his good fortune. Dessert and settling an old score in one gulp! Russell would be missed around the ranch. He had just entered his ninth season, , Georgian and Victorian Conservatory Design helping us to keep the varmit population in check and scaring the wits out of trespassers by hissing and shaking his tail at them. Over the years he survived a blizzard of caliber .223, .38, .308, 11 buck, .45, rocks, bottles, bulldozers, lawnmowers, , Which KitchenAid products are right for your Kitchen? dunebuggies, and dirt bikes, but it was the sauce, disguised in a FAT MOUSE BURRITO, that finally got him! He was the best security snake I ever had. Elmer, the golden eagle, couldn't believe his good fortune either when he spied Russell from 2,000 feet. They had grown up together, but were mortal enemies knowing that someday one or the other would eventually succumb to fangs or talons. Elmer was suspicious because by this time of the morning Russell should be resting under a rock or in the wood , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants pile at the back of the garden. , Are you in search of the latest help regarding kiln. Elmer, who fancied himself as a hot , Burnings Bushes ....Brilliant Fall Foliage shot flyer, cut power , Increase the Heat Output of Your Fireplace: Warmer Toes for and lowered his flaps as he circled above the cold, , That Summer Feeling Doesn’t Have to End hard body of Russell who was stretched out stiff and rigid on the lawn, , Herbs For A Tea Garden looking like a three foot long rolled taco. Elmer wasn't as sharp or as aggressive since he lost the territorial dispute with the Sheriff's ASTREA helicopter last spring. Most of his feathers have grown back, but he still has dizzy spells from time to time. Ah, but that is a story in itself for another time. Elmer suddenly swooped, throwing caution to the wind, making a fast snatch and grab on the rolled taco that once was a very handsome red Diamondback buzz tail. Twenty minutes later, while cruising at 5,000 feet, Elmer's eyes began to cross and a fire , Winter Gardening Fun suddenly erupted in his tail section when he began to feel the full effects of the combination plate lace salsa. The end came swiftly, as he spun into the lawn , Fall Prep Work Makes for a Green Spring near the garden , Patio Ponds shed. At the last possible second he managed to spread his wings enabling him to crash land near the riding lawn , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants mower. He tore up 30 yards , The Beautiful Garden of grass, , How to Grow Other Flowers Among Roses leaves, and mud before coming to a halt upside down. The impact saved Elmer's life. The force of it knocked the air, , Winter Gardening in Eastern Pennsylvania Stumpy, Russell, and salsa right out of him. When Elmer regained consciousness, he managed to hobble over to the pond, , Origin of Lawn Furniture with the aid of a broken tree , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants branch under one wing, to put out the fire , Decorating a Bedroom using Color Psycology in his beak. Coy, the coyote, at first thought he had seen a meteorite because he had never seen an eagle up close before. He could eat anything, and often did just to survive, but this bird , Native Trees and Plants For Chester County , PA looked and smelled bad. "Yucka!" Elmer threatened to brain him with his tree , strange carbs and cams branch crutch if he came one paw closer. Coy decided he wasn't THAT hungry anyway. He did an about face, scratching dirt and grass , HOUSES WITH DAM(P) BASEMENTS WON’T SELL from the lawn , Holiday Decorating Can Cast A Warm Glow All Year all over Elmer like any sensible animal covering up a mess, before trotting off across the lawn. , Decorating with Authentic Zebra Decor.... Elmer eventually recovered to become a reborn vegetarian and anti-helicopter activist. Mother nature , Get Candle Wax Out Of Carpet (aided by my gardening , Garden Composting Tips- The Art of Composting skills) required a full season to purge the lawn , Maximize your waterfall flow with the Master DW Waterfall pu and garden , Composting Tips- The Art of Composting of the awful evidence that claimed two critters and nearly a third. Gerry wanted to move the half-completed house , Using popular rose varieties in your garden to another site, to avoid the large, blackened and charred area of dead ground that was now part of our front lawn. , Are you in search of the latest help regarding kiln. I stood firm, though. Two years of construction workers tramping back and forth over our landscaping , Holiday Decorating Can Cast A Warm Glow All Year was enough. Besides, the half-life on salsa is fairly short. Meanwhile, yup, back at the ranch, Snuffy adopted a new roommate, Augie and they moved into the newly completed greenhouse. Gerry insisted that the dead area be covered over and the greenhouse , The Beautiful Garden was just the thing to bring life back to that part of the landscape. , What is Organic Farming? Augie's sort of a clutze so they compliment each other. Rastus, Russell's cousin, moved into the garden to take over Russell's old job; and Pancho's was closed. The Fire , Winter Gardening in Eastern Pennsylvania Chief told Pancho they would let the old stand burn to the ground next time, after putting down the sixth incendiary fire in as many months. On top of that, the insurance company tore up Pancho's policy; and the Environmental , To Glue or Not to Glue? Protection Agency launched an investigation. It was too much for Pancho who returned to the land of his ancestors, the Aztecs. And our house? Well, even though we managed to cover up the damage of the salsa environmental , Which KitchenAid products are right for your Kitchen? attack with a brand new greenhouse and refurbished lawn , The “Minimal” Garden (ain't sod great!), the house , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants is still unfinished. Not to worry, though, our ranch is a work in progress that takes me away from the hubbub of my landscape , Rosemary: The Herb of Remembrance and Friendship business... so I can get involved in the hubbub of doing the same landscape , "Hardening Off" Seedlings and Transplants and construction work for myself that I do for others all week long. Well, that's the tale. My neighbor is indeed a real landscape , Online Garden Seed Exchanges contractor with a large grounds maintenance company. I've been to his ranch a few times and can confirm that the place , Increase the Heat Output of Your Fire: Warmer Toes for exists as described, greenhouse, , Georgian and Victorian Conservatory Design lawn, , HOUSES WITH DAM(P) BASEMENTS WON’T SELL grounds, unfinished house , Comforter Choices and all. But as he related this story to me, on that hot, , Are you in search of the latest help regarding kiln. summer , Decorating with Authentic Zebra Decor.... day, he had a strange twinkle in his eye. So, is it true? I can't say for sure, but after a chance meeting with Rastus by the riding lawn , Why Not Add a Shower To Your Bathroom? mower, I'm willing to believe it. __________________________________________ About the Author: Rich Showalter is a Contributing Writer for ProGardenBiz Magazine, an online , Germinating Seeds Hydroponically magazine for professional gardeners and landscape contractors. , The Purple Martins Are Back! Once Upon a Time... A Gardener's Daydream is a regular feature , Decorating with Authentic Zebra Decor.... in ProGardenBiz Magazine. Visit ProGardenBiz to find out how you can get a free subscription, start-up guidance, business ideas and inspiration at http://www.progardenbiz.com. __________________________________________ You have permission to publish this article electronically or in print, free of charge, as long as the bylines are included. Must be published complete with no changes. , Native Trees and Plants For Chester County , PA A courtesy copy of your publication would be appreciated. About the author: . |
  
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