Poison Oak Pleasures

Article by: Ed Williams

Sometimes I have to wonder why certain things were invented or created : stuff like mosquitoes, dandruff, athlete's foot, or ticks. If you want to take it one step further you can add in things like gout, Mathew Lesko, constipation, or the hiccups. All of these things are totally worthless, and I've wondered more than once why they've been inflicted upon the human race.

That's a pretty somber beginning for a column, huh? I think so, too, if the truth be known. I might as well go ahead and come clean here, because writing the column this week is very difficult for me, and the reason it's difficult is due to one of the "top of the list things" there'd be on a list of worthless items : I'm suffering from a bad case of poison oak, and it's about to drive me nuts.

Don't ask me how I got it, because I haven't a clue. I haven't walked around barefoot any recently, and only yesterday did I cut my grass, , Luxury Bedding is More Than Just Thread Count and I was already wrapped up with poison oak by that point. Any place , Add Color To Your Garden With Blue Perennial Flowers that itches I can't scratch : not the top of my head, not the little black ant who happens to be crawling up my left forearm, and I have to scrub down like a surgeon before I can even think about touching any of my private areas. My ankles have so many red blotches on them that they look like a series of angry islands, and I've just recently detected a couple of small ones on my neck, armpits, and stomach. I'm starting to look like someone at a performance art exhibition who begs passers-by to toss Campbell's Tomato , Poison Oak Pleasures Soup on them, and that‘s nothing to brag about.

My personal appearance, therefore, is grotesque. The itching is even worse. Besides the unbearable tingling that‘s a constant, the worst thing is that the places , Starting your seeds the right way you need to scratch the most are the very places , The Secrets for Winterizing Your Garden you shouldn't - I wish I could scratch my crotch for about ten minutes, which is not nice to say, but it's the truth. Ditto for my armpits and the back of my knees. If someone put a washtub full of ice before me, I swear that I'd get naked and jump in it without thinking twice. Heck, without thinking once.

Y'all think that I'm getting lots of family support during this personal time of crisis? HA! If I had a good case of leprosy I wouldn't be avoided any more than I am now. Forget hugs or smooches or any other types of physical affection from anyone, heck, forget even a handshake. Will just turned one down that I offered him a little while ago because, in his words, "Dad, I'm afraid your crud will run down my arm and start doing weird things to me." Nothing greater than the love between a father and son, I suppose. That was such a downer that I decided to go over to The Wellness Center, work out, and get a sympathetic pat or two on the back from my friends there. I threw on my gym shorts, drove over, and had just gotten up on the Stairmaster when one of my good buddies, Will Zachary, walked up. He asked,

"Ed, what's going on?"

My clever retort, "Not much."

We chatted for awhile, then Will glanced downwards at my ankles and said, in a voice loud enough for approximately sixty percent of the gym to hear him,

"Ed, what are those big red spots on the sides of your ankles? It's like you're some kind of a red spotted Dalmation or something!"

I heard a few snickers, and when I looked up I felt like every eyeball in the building , Better Indoor Living: Give Your Home a Comfort Makeover this was locked onto my ankles. Without even thinking, I sort of crossed them to hide them, which had the net effect of spreading the spots even more. For the rest of my workout I was avoided like the plague, and the word going around the gym was that I had an affliction that ranged anywhere from poison oak to some kind of incurable disease. , Stop annoying email NOW Needless to say, I left the Wellness Center a little less than pumped up, exuberant, and renewed.

So now I sit here writing this with ankles redder than China, trying to balm my deep inner pain with some Breyer's Butter Pecan ice cream. I guess some worthless things will always be around, and all any of us can do is to make the best of what they bring, which is a good thought to keep in mind as I get ready to entertain a few of my distant relatives this coming weekend…

About the Author

Ed's latest book, "Rough As A Cob," can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He's also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web , How To Install Window Treatments Like A Pro site address at: www.ed-williams.com.

What's Inside
Life’s a Beach – A Shore Theme in Your Outdoor Space - Twentieth century American architect Phillip Johnson once said, "I hate vacations. If you can build buildings, , Higher Home Appraisal Values why sit on the beach?" Mr....
Inexpensive Futon Mattresses - Got a new futon for your living area? Now the decision is yours as to where to get the best mattress. The best online place , Buying Mobile Homes Is Cheaper for your futon mattress and futon cover needs is Futoncoverusa.com. Don't go by the name; Futon Cover USA does not sell only...
Black Haw Viburnums will grow in Ambler Pa. - With its rounded, stiffly branched habit the Blackhaw Viburnum reminds you of a Hawthorn. It is a very easy plant , Garden Design: How to Choose and Place Garden Art in Your Backyard to grow. , The versatile reciprocating saw. The power tool of your drea It can be purchased as a seedling, a rooted cutting, a potted starter plant , Investing In or Owning Drug Lab Properties in qt. pots, , Keeping Water In - Pond Liners Reviewed to 5 gal. pots, , Laminate Flooring Is Attractive And Long Lasting and B&B field dug pla...
Planting Instructions For Trees and Plants - Plant , An Outdoor Fireplace can really set the mood! ing Instructions for Trees, , Get More Heat from Your Same Ol' Fireplace with Simple Techn Plants , Conservatory Planning Permission in the UK and Shrubs , Safety Steps For Riding Lawn Tractors Plant , Using annuals in your garden ing a tree , Viburnums - Landcape and Garden Wonders or shrub , An Outdoor Fireplace can really set the mood! is not as easy as, "Green side up...brown side down." Care must be taken every step of the way, from selection, to transporting, locating a spot, checking for utilities,...
Replace the White Birch With River Birches In The Allentown Pa. Area - If you have had trouble planting a tree , The American Arborvitae Grows well in Sellersville Pa. the River Birch is a choice that is easy to transplant. They are adaptable and grow , Before You Invest In A Swimming Pool fast. These trees , Proper care of perennials in the garden do not seem to be bothered by the Bronzed Birch Borer which has killed off many White , Gardening For Senior Citizens Birches used in urban...
Spring Into Action: Home Maintenance - Spring has sprung! Even more important than buds, , Easy to Grow - The Eastern White Pine Tree birds, , Patio Ponds and bees, spring , Summer Pruning / Pinch an Inch brings buyers! When buyers are looking for a place , Buying A House Or A Home? to nest, they...
When Showing Your Home to a Home Buyer - Here below are some of the reasons why buyers may be put off when visiting your home. , Finding Structural Problems During Escrow – Small Rural 1. Welcoming Entrance - First Impression Matters As ha...
Homeowner Demand Sparks Innovation in Hardwood Flooring - (ARA) - The results are in: When asked what flooring , The Nigra Arborvitae Grows Well In New Hope Pa. material they want in their kitchen, , Choosing Wood Flooring - Enduring Elegance halls, bedrooms and entryway, homeowners say that wood , How to distribute the water in your new log cabin is t...
Constructing Water Walls - A Guide to Common Mistakes - Constructing Water , Tips for Working on Plaster Walls Walls - A Guide to Common Mistakes The water , Tips for Working on Plaster Walls wall plays an important part in the modern landscape. , Container Gardening in the Metro The epitome of a contemporary water , Why You Should Be Gardening feature, water , Choosing Wood Flooring - Enduring Elegance walls are often built incorrectly causing ongoing maintenance issues for the ho...